did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
