her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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