life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
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