Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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