ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
