All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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