Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
