every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
only you would photoshop your dick
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
