One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
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