i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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