Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
