i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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