planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
