just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
