I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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