Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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