Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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