is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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