I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize