I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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