I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
