They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
