Please, let me fuck your mom
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
