she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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