Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
