I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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