got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
my god I love twenty year old dicks
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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