She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
