I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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