just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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