Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
