whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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