My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
