is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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