I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I have fence marks all over my body
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
