I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
