Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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