it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
