Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
