WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
