she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
