you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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