I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Randomize
