could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
