Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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