i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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