just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
