you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
