I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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