So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I want her autograph on my taint
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
