apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
