Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
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