He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
My ATM looks so different sober.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
