I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
you are never too drunk for berry picking
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
