I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
