Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Randomize
