i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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