my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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