I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize