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Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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