i think my tv is drunk
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
