you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
