i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
