the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
