bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
