i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
