I'm gonna have a badass scar
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Randomize
